Diving Humor

Here are a few dive humor quotes & comments

You know you are a scuba redneck when!

Diving Thoughts & Truisms
1.Every dive is optional. Every ascent is mandatory.
2.Diving isn't dangerous. Drowning is what's dangerous.
3.It's always better to be up here wishing you were down there than be
down there wishing you were up here.
4.The ONLY time you have too much air is when you're on the surface.
5.The regulator is just a big valve at the top of the tank used to keep
the diver cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the diver start
sweating.
6.Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
7.The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the speed of
arrival at surface. High speed of arrival, small probability of survival and
viceversa.
8.Never let your dive gear take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.
9.Always try to keep the number of ascents you make equal to the number of descents you've made.
10.There are three simple rules for making a no bubble deco dive.
Unfortunately no-one knows what they are.
11.You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The
trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
12.In the ongoing battle between bubbles made of air expanding faster
than flesh and blood, the air has yet to lose.
13.Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.
14.It's always a good idea to keep the regulator in your mouth as much
as possible.
15.The three most useless things to a diver are the spare cylinder on
the boat, computer with no battery and those missed deco stops back in the water.
16.If you pull the deflate hose the surface gets further away. If you
press the inflate button on the BCD, the surface gets closer. That is,unless you keep pressing the inflate button all the way up, then youfinally pass the surface and it gets further away again.
17.There are old divers and there are bold divers. There are, however,
no old bold divers.

Bad News, Good News, Great News...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Gulf of Mexico." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two 5 pound Spiny lobsters and a dozen good size Stone crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
(Glenn Pollack)

You know you're a SCUBA redneck when...
This list is a compilation of posts and responses I gathered from a SCUBA
related message board after a frequent postser that goes by the name of
"Waverunner" presented a humourous anecdote titled "You might be a SCUBA
Redneck when.." This post received an overwhelming amount of responses where people added to his initial list of 20 lines. Here is a list of as many as I could salvage from the site. The originator's handle on the board is shown in parentheses at the end of the line.

You dive a place called Possum Kingdom. (Waverunner)

You have a gun rack on your BC. (Waverunner)

Your dive flag is "The Stars and Bars". (Waverunner)

You have to clean the kudzu off your gear before you use it. (Waverunner)

You get in a spittin' contest with your DI. (Waverunner)

You have to remove the chaw before putting your regulator in your mouth.
(Waverunner)

When you spit in your mask it turns brown. (Waverunner)

You think craw-dads are fresh-water lobsters. (Waverunner)

Your boat has more than 6 beer cans rollin' around in the bottom.
(Waverunner)

Your snorkel is a piece of radiator hose off'n your '57 Chevy (Waverunner)

You have your dive gear serviced after you pick it up from the pawn shop.
(Waverunner)

You have a spit cup on a D-ring on your vest. (Waverunner)

You have more than two dive buddies named Junior or Bubba. (Waverunner)

The buckle on your weight belt is silver with your name on it. (Waverunner)

You have to decide whether to take that AOW course or pay off the
taxidermist. (Waverunner)

Then you list that AOW course whenever you're asked about advanced education on a job app. (Waverunner)

You can't decide which baseball hat to wear on the dive boat. (Waverunner)

Your dive bag says Hefty on the side. (Waverunner)

They won't let you on the dive boat in your boots. (Waverunner)

And you have to leave your dog on the dock... (Waverunner)

You have a Confederate Battle Flag sticker on your tanks. (Tiller)

Directions to your favorite local dive site includes "turn at the really big
cow" (with apologies to DannyBoy). (Tiller)

You have ever startled a cow DURING a dive. (Tiller)

You were inspired to take up diving because Burt Reynolds looked so macho in that wetsuit in "Deliverance". (Tiller)

The handle on your dive knife is a deer antler. (Waverunner)

You take a fishin' pole and a can of worms on the dive boat. (Waverunner)

You try to look up "carp" in your "Reef Fish" book. (Waverunner)

Your dive vest has duct tape on it somewhere. (Waverunner)

Your dive buddy can field dress a deer. (Waverunner)

Your dive skin has a tobacco can ring worn in the rear. (Waverunner)

It takes you and all your dive buddies to show off a full set of teeth.
(Waverunner)

The zipper on your wetsuit doesn't have all it's teeth either. (Waverunner)

You clean your boat with a leaf blower. (Waverunner)

You have to rent gear 'cause a tornado got yours along with the trailer
house. (Waverunner)

Your DM has to spit more than twice during a dive briefing. (Waverunner)

You think a lobster is a big craw-dad and you try to suck the head.
(Waverunner)

You've bought more than two pieces of dive gear at a garage sale.
(Waverunner)

You have to get the chickens out of your boat before you take it out.
(Waverunner)

Your dive boat has a flat bottom. (Waverunner)

You keep a chain saw in the boat "just in case". (Waverunner)

Your spear gun has a scope on it. (Waverunner)

You go around asking everyone on the dive boat to "pull your finger"
(Waverunner)

You're wearing a camo jacket in the picture on your C-card. (Waverunner)

You take soap when you go divin' figuring "hell, it's been a while".
(Waverunner)

You have only one dive buddy and she's your mother, wife and sister (Tracy)

Your dive cylinder is a recycled (aluminum) beer keg (Tracy)

You refer to your two-cylinder set-up as a "double-wide" (Tracy)

You've skipped 7am dives because you would rather have a beer (Tracy)

You have to put DenturGrip on your second stage before putting it in your
mouth (Tracy)

You like marine reserves because that's where you get the big abs (Tracy)

Your power inflation hose is not connected to your cylinder but still works
beautifully (Tracy)

You spent your honeymoon quarry diving (Tracy)

Your daughter also spent her honeymoon quarry diving (Tracy)

You don't need fins because you already have webbing between the toes (Tracy)

You found White Diver engaging and astute (Tracy)

Your tank & your home are made both aluminum (Gregg)

You wear a 'Marlboro Dive Team' T-shirt on the dive boat (Tiller)

..And you keep your bottle of Defog rolled in the sleeve (Dborn)

You have to unhook your LP hose from your carburetor so you can put it back on your regulator. (Dborn)

Your dive computer has the "Deer Hunter" game loaded into it. (bobbyjoe)

In your Rescue Diver course, you get the "victim" to shore, and try to gut
him (Dborn)

..and you have to pull his chaw out before you give him CPR. (Waverunner)

..or when you have to pull out HER chaw (Endorfin)

Talk about "integrated" weight systems makes you uncomfortable (Tiller)

If you have ever blown off engine parts with a SCUBA cylinder (Endorfin)

You think that being neutral requires castration. (Charlier P)

There are more bubbles coming from below your waist than above. (DiverX)

You've ever seen a coral head that reminded you of Elvis (Tiller)

You think you can use NITROX to make your car faster (bamaEANdiver)

You think anyone without a relative for a buddy is into "alternative
lifestyles" (DiverX)

You seem to recall learning "equalizing" in grade school. (Jeepster)

You ask DocV if there's any good dive sites rat-near Daytona (Waverunner)

Your dive season starts when deer season ends. (Waverunner)

You have to take more than two pounds off your weight belt because of your pocket knife. (Waverunner)

You ask the DM to hold your beer while you get your C-card out. (Waverunner)

You think the ABCs are somethin' you shoulda learnt in school. (Waverunner)

The tires on your boat trailer are borrowed off your house. (Waverunner)

Your dive kit has bailin' wire in it. (Waverunner)

You lure fish with a Delco (see if anybody gets that) (Waverunner)

You've ever shot a possum with your speargun. (Waverunner)

You think Roe v. Wade is something you might have to do if'n the dive boat quits. (Waverunner)

You have a bumper sticker that says "They can have my speargun when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers". (Waverunner)

The "Head" on your boat is a mason Jar. (Heavy Metal)

You have a Calvin piss on N0. 3 Sticker on yer tank. (Heavy Metal)

You ask if Ruger makes Spear Guns now and eats "Slim Jims" as a post dive meal (Heavy Metal)

Your BC pocket has a wear mark from your Skoal can. (Sweetgrass)

You use bailing wire to twin your tanks and attach them to you BC.
(Sweetgrass)

You use a cow ear tag as a shorkel keeper. (Sweetgrass)

You keep trying to herd fish. (Sweetgrass)

You use a welding rod in your spear gun when you loose the original spear.
(Sweetgrass)

You have spurs on your fins. (Sweetgrass)

Your momma has to take the marlboro out of her mouth when she tells the lifeguard to kiss her ass when he confronts her about divin without a flag.
(Sweetgrass)

You have a neat Marlboro dive bag thanks to momma savin all those miles.
(Sweetgrass)

The white stripe on your dive flag was painted with a brush. (Sweetgrass)

Your save a dive kit includes bailing wire and a pair of fence pliers.
(Sweetgrass)

Your between dive snack is hushpuppies an' gravy. (Neptune)

Your custom wetsuit looks like a NASCAR driving suit (rlp)

You don't have to hold your breath to pee. (mek)

Your wetsuit has a drop-flap in the back or your farmer johns really are!
(Rockin' Robert)

You wonder why Humann didn't put in a picture of a channel cat in a juvenile phase. (Diver Dave)

Water spouts make you homesick. (Diver Dave)

Your driver's license says; Eyes-Blue,Hair-Brown,Weight-160 field dressed
(Dborn)

And you think "Corrective Lenses Required" means the 30-'06 in the
gun rack must have telescopic sights. (Dborn)

Dive boat has more horsepower than the truck & cost more than the house.
(Rod)

My truck, my gun, my dog, my regulator, my woman. That's all she wrote.
(Medicine-man)

Your swim trunks have huge brown stains in the rear.(Juan Loco)(waverunner)

You think Dacor is them furnishin's in yer new doublewide(waverunner)

You think the BVI's are where they make underwear...(waverunner)

You have to be shown how to use the head on the dive boat... and what it's for...(waverunner)

You call NASDS and ask about scuba racin' (waverunner)

You have a strap on your regulator because your only tooth won't hold it in place (JohnC)

Your dive hood matches your hat line. (Scubacutie)

You count your dive as your weekly shower. (Scubacutie)

You count your weekly shower as a dive. (PA Diver)

If you made your hood out of an old inner tube. (Endorfin)

If you have ever taken batteries out of your kids toys and put them in your dive light...If you custom ordered your slap strap to hald a can of skoal.
(Endorfin)

If you have ever dove while wearing a baseball cap turned backwards.
(Endorfin)

If you carry jumper cables in your divebag. (Endorfin)

If you fill your tanks a Wally's gas station. (Endorfin)

If your dive bag says Walmart on it. (Endorfin)

If you have ever worn your mask while riding a 4 wheeler. (Endorfin)

If you always surface with at least 300 psi in your tank because you know
that right rear tire is going to be flat again. (Endorfin)

If you refer to AOW as your senior year. (Endorfin)

If you have ever skinned a deer with your dive knife. (Endorfin)

If your dive light is a Q-beam in a ziplock bag. (Endorfin)

If you collect fishing weights to make bullets out of them. (Endorfin)

If everyone on the boat ask you to spit in their mask for them. (Endorfin)

If your wet suit is the only suit you own. (Endorfin)

If your eyebrows or side burns keep you from getting a good mask
seal.(Endorfin)

You've ever dove from an airboat (Gregg)

The anchor for your dive boat is a cinderblock (Gregg)

You use buckshot in your speargun (Gregg)

You get excited when you hear there's 2 inch visibility in the swamp (Gregg)

You ALWAYS bring the hounddogs when you go spearfishing (Gregg)

You had to make a special mouthpiece because your two teeth don't hold the reg in place. (dive in)

Your idea of a between dive snack is a bag of homemade pork rinds and sweet ice tea. (dive in)

Several of your relatives died on a dynamite spear fishing diving trip. (dive in)

Your dive boat has naked lady mud flaps. (dive in)

You beat the fish to the Vienna sausages the DM is tryin' to feed 'em
(Waverunner)

You've used your Dive Alert to scare hogs off'n the driveway...(Waverunner)

You wonder why they waste good vittles chummin'...(Waverunner)

You use your dry box to store ammo durin' deer season...(Waverunner)

You tell everyone about the blue tangs you saw... and the striped tangs...
and all "them other tangs down thar"...(Waverunner)

Your SeaCure only has one tooth mark in it...(Waverunner)

Your dry suit is the one you don't pee in...(Waverunner)

Your dive knife has "Old Timer" or "Barlow" written on it. (dive in)

Your dive skin is red with a flap in the back. (dive in)

You think a safety stop is checking a toilet for moistness. (dive in)

Your dive slate has "10-4 good buddy" written on it somewhere. (dive in)

You think a "magnum opus" is a type of JBL spear gun. (dive in)

"Truk Lagoon" is the final resting place for your Chevy. (dive in)

You refer to the marine patrol as "revenuers." (dive in)

You have bought more than one piece of dive gear from the Home Shopping Network. (dive in)

Your thirteen male cousins borrow your c-card because you have the same last name. (dive in)

Your eight female cousins borrow your c-card because they look like you.
(dive in)

Gators and mocassins are primary dive hazards. (dive in)

You have ever considered making a pair of fins from old sneakers and plywood.
<-- True story: R Bear inspired this one. (dive in)

Your wife's idea of a swimsuit is cutoffs and a tube top. (dive in)

Your wife's idea of formal wear is cutoffs, a tube top, and shoes.       (dive in)

Your dive boat has more Bondo patches than your car. (dive in)

The bumper sticker on your truck sez: My woman sez if'n I go divin' one more time,she's gonna leave me... (Dborn)

Your weight-integrated BC is 3 boxes of shotgun shells in your "bibbed
coveralls" (Johndog)

You can't decide which wetsuit to wear...the camo or the blaze orange
(Johndog)

You have used duct tape, JB Weld and StopLeak on your tanks.(Johndog)

Your spare air used to be an old freon can.(Johndog)

Your idea of a salvage dive involves looking for recyclables. (PA Diver)

A salvage dive is also when you get parts off'n that sunken 57 Chevy 'cause they're better'n yours (jim-wave-bob-runner)

You've adjusted your SCUDA to accept 12 ouncers. (PA Diver)

You get narced to relieve your hangover. (PA Diver)

You're buddy told you he did a six-pack dive on his vacation and you ask him if it was bud or miller. (PA Diver)

Your mask is made from an old pickle jar and some duct tape. (PA Diver)

You've been asked for directions to a dive site and answered "well ya can't get there from here, but.." (PA Diver)

Most of the wrecks in your local dive area are 15 footers in 8 ft. of water and were caused by "drinking accidents." (PA Diver)

You use the nearest tavern's neon "BUD" sign as your landmark for night
dives. (PA Diver)

You're moving to a new town and the most difficult problem you have to deal with is figuring out how to move your home and dive boat with only one chevy.
(PA Diver)

Your boat's steering column has a chevy emblem on it and the con vaguely
resembles the dashboard of an old truck. (PA Diver)

You keep your spare o-rings in an (almost) empty skoal container. (PA Diver)

You spend your SI on the boat watching re-runs of WWF on the TV and VCR you've managed to wire to the boat's battery with jumper cables. (PA Diver)

You've had to abort more than 2 dives early to meet with your probation
officer. (PA Diver)

You've had to abort more than 2 dives early to meet with your MOM'S probation officer. (PA Diver)

You custom ordered a plaid flannel DiveSkin. (PA Diver)

Your wreck reel is made from the rim of an old mustang and some bailing wire.
(PA Diver)

Your idea of a "tech" dive involves turning on the fish finder. (PA Diver)

Your wetsuit is camouflage and your hood is neon orange.               (Formica Dinette)

You scrape together your change and ask for 87 cents of air              (Toothless but Grinin')

You'd like to buddy with Celine Dion becuz you seen an ad on tv sayin' she
wuz a "diva" (Diver Dave)